Not Enough
by kiwibrazilian89
Summary: In a town full of trauma and secrets, how do you find a way to heal when the people you love the most are the ones who bring it all to the surface every time you look at them? How do you begin to untangle the truth when everything you've built was based on a lie? What would it take for Isabel's marriage to recover after years of lies?


**Not Enough – Chapter 1 **

**A/N I love both verisons of the show but this is based on Roswell New Mexico. I own none of this and I've included the scene from Episode 5 for context here. I LOVE what Cadly is doing with this show so far and I'm hooked on these characters. With 2 weeks until the next episode I couldn't get this scene out of my head. I kept asking myself, what would it take for Isabel's marriage to recover after years of lies?**

Isabel turned the lock on her front door as quietly as possible, slipping into the foyer and feeling adrenaline rushing through her body as she tried to calm her breathing. She dropped her bag on the floor and closed her eyes, gathering her strength to face her husband. It had been a week since he confronted her, and it was the longest they had ever gone without speaking since the day they met.

She thought back to Michael's RV the week beforehand.

"_Is there someone else?" _

"_No, Noah, my God no. Listen, I actually can explain." Isabel's mind raced as she tried to figure out what lie to tell this time, how to cover up her dissociative episode. Searching for answers she didn't have. _

_Noah emptied a paper bag onto the floor, bottles of nail-polish remover clattering on the hard desert sand._

"_Can you explain that? My grandfather used to hide his booze in old detergent bottles, is that what this is? They were hidden all over the house Isabel. I want to be here for you but you have to come clean, you have to tell me the truth, that is the only way this can work." _

_Eyes wide and mind racing, Isabel Evans-Bracken stared into the hardened eyes of the most patient man she had ever known, as the wall of lies that had been building up between them for so long finally coalesced into the one insurmountable question she had always known he would eventually ask. _

_Years of dissociation, of suppressing her true self in an effort to protect him from the truth made the words catch in her throat, muscle memory taking over, suffocating her. _

_Her eyes watered as they darted from side to side, looking for a crack in Noah's armor, a way out, but the nail-polish bottles had triggered her husband's own childhood trauma, and his guard was up. She couldn't lie to him this time. This was an answer she could only give him once. He was right, the truth was the only way they could move forward. But her time was up. _

"_I can't do this Isabel." She shrugged despondently her mind unable to process what was happening, that she was losing another person she loved._

"_I...I can't tell you. Noah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry" Her bewildered voice sounded foreign even to herself as she reached up to put her hands on her husbands' arms. She felt far away like she was watching someone else speak. The world moved in and out of focus as tears gathered in her eyes, colors becoming tinged with a purple hue around her. _

"_I thought you might say that." Noah rolled down the car window and pulled out her travel bag. Noah's unwavering heart finally wavered at that moment. For years he had made excuses for his wife. He had told himself that her constant one foot in one foot out behavior was due to a fear of abandonment, that losing her family so early in life had broken a piece of her. He had accepted her as she was. He had believed that over time, his love would encourage her to feel safe and secure. But he had never allowed himself to face the facts head-on, to acknowledge that with Isabel, nothing was ever as it seemed, and something was always off. Addiction made sense, filled in the gaps. And it was so familiar to him. He had grown up in a family of addicts, promising himself when he escaped the abusive childhood home that he would never again let another addict into his life. _

_The truth was that both of them had been lying throughout their relationship. She had lied to him. He had lied to himself. Now the truth hung in the air, unspoken but inescapable. The cracks in the foundation of their marriage finally giving way, finally shattering. Anger, disgust, resentment, contempt, all warred for dominance within him. He had given her everything. And it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. He should have known better. _

_Behind him, he heard Isabel's voice breaking and desperate, "Noah? No. No."_

_He turned briefly to face her as he handed her the bag, eyes guarded. _

"_I just need some time." He slammed the door behind him and drove away. _

She opened her eyes to see Noah standing on the other side of the room, body taut and tense with resentment and pain, eyes hard and unforgiving. His arms hung limply by his sides, leaving him open and vulnerable despite the look in his eyes - he couldn't shut her out completely.

"Why are you here Isabel?" His usually smooth voice was low and rough, like he hadn't slept in days.

"Noah, we're married, I couldn't just leave things the way we left them the other night." Her eyes pleaded with him to give her a chance.

"I said I needed some time. I expected you to respect that." His jaw hardened as he spoke through gritted teeth.

"I know, I know, you said you needed some time and I tried but Noah, we have to talk." Noah shrugged, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

"Are you ready to tell me the truth?" Isabel raised her hand to her mouth, chewing nervously on her thumbnail.

"I. I want to." Her eyebrows gathered at the seams as her face begged him to understand, to see how hard she was trying to open up to him after the years of lies. Noah signed and rolled his eyes.

"Isabel, it's too late for 'I want to.'" He met her desperate gaze evenly, his eyes cold and guarded, giving her nothing. Isabel frowned in confusion as she clenched her fists and held them to her chest, her heart beating rapidly as the terror of losing the man she loved rushed through her again.

"No, Noah, it can't be, we're married, you have to give me a chance to explain." Throwing his hands in the air in resignation as he compressed his lips, restraining himself from letting her feel the full brunt of his anger.

"I'm still standing here aren't I?"

"Yes. Okay. There are some things that I'm not ready to open up about." Noah expelled a heavy breath and turned to leave the room, sick of dealing with her evasiveness. His back facing her, he paused as Isabel continued speaking.

"But, there are parts that I can be honest with you about. I'm just asking you for patience." The anger he had been so barely containing came bursting out of him full force. He swiveled unsteadily to face her again with a contemptuous half laugh as he yelled hoarsely, every muscle in his body strained and tense, chest heaving.

"Patience? You want patience? I have been patient with you for years. For years I told myself that I must be crazy for feeling like you were lying to me. For years I told myself that my anxiety and depression were just after effects of an abusive childhood, that my suspicion and paranoia were just misguided hypervigilance. I told myself that the reason I could never truly make you happy was that I wasn't trying hard enough, that I had to do better, work harder, be more supportive. But you have been lying to me all this time and I am done accepting lies, and half-truths, and excuses. Isabel. I'm done." Isabel's eyes filled with tears at his words.

"Noah, please, you can't just be done, you have to give me a chance to make this right." He shook his head, lips pursed as his own eyes filled with tears, his guard useless now in the face of the woman he had loved. Still loved. It hurt too much to be around her. She didn't love him enough to tell him the truth. There was no way forward for them. He wasn't enough for her. He held his hands up in front of his waist, palms facing her as if to ward off an attack. Every word she said felt like being kicked in the stomach.

"You need to leave Isabel." Seeing the finality in his eyes, and realizing that she was losing him forever, Isabel starting babbling, trying to find any words that would break through the wall he was building around his heart in front of her.

"Noah, I want to tell you the truth but it's too much to do all at once, it's too much for me to face. I'm only just starting to tell the truth to myself. It's not that I've been hiding it from you, it's that I've been hiding it from me. And I started getting memories back, flashbacks. I don't know what happened the other night, I had some kind of dissociative episode and my brothers found me and I don't remember what happened." For a second, true concern passed over his face as he listened to her before the hard mask covered all emotions in a layer of stone once more.

"Well. Then, you should see a doctor." He flashed back to his grandfather coming home drunk, coming home angry, or remorseful. He remembered his dad being up all night searching for him. He had vowed to never go through that level of chaos again. Isabel continued with the flood of words in the background as his tired brain struggled to focus on her through the pain.

"No, no doctors, Noah, this has happened before. In high school. For some reason when I get stressed I shut down, I escape into this world inside my head where nothing feels real anymore, I don't feel real anymore and all I know is that I have to get away." Noah softened slightly, understanding that his wife truly was in pain and was doing the best she could, to be honest. But the pain her years of lies had caused cut off his ability to let her see how much he cared. It wasn't safe for him to care. Not anymore.

"This all just sounds like more excuses to me. I don't know what to believe. You broke this, Isabel. You broke us. You broke me. Why should I listen to anything you have to say?" His eyes allowed her to see that he genuinely wanted an answer, something to hold on to, anything to hold on to.

"Noah, I don't remember anything from before I got adopted, entire years of my life are missing, and I think sometimes when those memories start to come up, my brain can't handle it. I don't know what happened to me during that time, I just know that it's overwhelming." Noah shook his head sadly, honesty was no longer enough to fix this. Words wouldn't fix this. He needed proof that she had worked through the reasons behind her lying before he would ever be able to trust or respect her again.

"Look, Isabel, I don't mean to be insensitive but, this would have been helpful to hear years ago, maybe then I would have believed you. I'm not trying to be mean when I say that I'm done. I just have nothing left to give you. You left me feeling like I wasn't enough for too many years and I poured myself out for you until I had nothing left. So when I say that I need some time, I'm not saying that to punish you. I'm saying that because I honestly can't be the man that you need. Not right now. You clearly have a lot you need to work through, and I hope that you get the help you need, but I can't be that person for you."

"But you ARE the man I need, I'm so so sorry that I've left you feeling that way, and I know that I haven't been fully present and that the secrecy and the lies have been exhausting and draining for you but I can do better Noah I promise I can do better. I will do better. Noah, please, I'm begging you for one more chance."

His eyes softened as he looked at the woman he had loved for most of his adult life. "Isabel, I'm sorry. I can't." Walking past her, he opened the front door and gestured for her to leave.

"Noah, please." He shook his head.

"I'm sorry." The door closed behind her, leaving her standing on the front porch staring out into the desert.


End file.
